I started this here blog o’ mine nearly one year ago, shortly after finding out that I was
totally knocked up expecting. It served as a nice creative outlet for me as I dutifully shared all of the ups and downs (& aches and pains) of twin pregnancy. After my womb was vacated, I continued to use this space to share life with the twins. And yeah, it’s fun to share their milestones/photos, but I’ve been starting to feel like something is just… lacking.
I still enjoy writing on here, but lately I feel so insignificant. I find myself looking at my stats and getting depressed. Which is silly, but I can’t help it. I don’t know if it’s my sporadic posts, the lack of structure/regular “features”, or what… But I’m just feeling kind of inadequate. And, in turn, I feel more pressure.
Pressure to blog more often.
Pressure to gain more followers.
Pressure to make my site look look more “legit”… etc.
Maybe it’s because I read so many of the “bigger” blogs. The blogs with thousands of followers. With sponsored posts. With adoring fans. With a presence. (Sometimes Sweet, Bleubird, ETST, Skunkboy, etc.)
I look at these “popular” blogs and wonder what they have that I don’t. I have a cute kid (two!), I can write reasonably well (I think?), I live in an old house, I eat weird food… It’s so unhealthy and I hate that I do it. I feel like an awkward teenager, longing to be part of the “it” crowd. I was never like that in high school… I loathed the popular girls. I had green hair and homemade t-shirts. I didn’t WANT to fit in… So why do I want to now?
Am I just jealous of the successful blogs? Possibly. Hell, who wouldn’t want companies throwing cash/freebies their way? (We all know how much I like free stuff!) But beyond the petty materialistic junk, I guess I’m really just envious of their readership. The fact that a gazillion people actually read what they put out there — that’s what I covet. Yeah, I enjoy writing, but where’s the reward if no one even reads it?
I don’t know. I’m not sure where all of this is going. Or if it even made any sense. It’s been weighing heavily on my mind and I just needed to get it off my chest. So there. Off it is.
Thanks for reading all of this babble. Here’s a little dose of cuteness for making it this far…